Parenting From An Aging Perspective
**This post is made possible with support from AARP’s Disrupt Aging. All opinions are my own.**
We have a six year age difference & we've been parenting together for almost 11 years. Although we were at different stages of life & mentality when our oldest was born, we shared some of the same thoughts & feelings towards becoming parents. With some experience under our belts, our second daughter's birth didn't feel as life-changing (in the best way).
It is amazing how much we've both evolved, matured, & we can't ignore the fact that we've aged. Parenting has a more in-depth meaning now than when we started. We both have broader goals, ideals, intentions, and focuses. Join us for a "parenting through the lens of aging" discussion.
What were your thoughts/feelings when you found out you were becoming a parent?
Tandra: I had so many thoughts, questions, & emotions but there was also a place inside that felt empty. I think it was fear of the unknown and whether or not I could really do it successfully. For years, because of ovarian cysts, I didn't think I could bear children. So to finally wear the label of "pregnant," I didn't know what to think. I was excited but scared as hell!
Johnny: Initially, I was scared. It was such a big change and I didn't know what to expect. I was afraid of not being good enough and screwing it all up.
How has our relationship evolved because of parenting?
Tandra: I've learned to appreciate you more and the importance of team work. It was really rough the first few years. We were both still figuring out who we were as individuals and simultaneously attempting to be good parents. The years have taught me how much of who you are is what I've always wanted my children's father to be. Aging has shown me that you can't change others but you can change who you are. You can stop blaming your partner and take responsibility for who you are. Because we love one another and have invested in building our relationship, we've created the kind of bond and family we want to have.
Johnny: It has gotten farther apart in some ways but closer together in others. We're not able to spend a lot of time together like we did before kids, but, doing things as a family makes us closer in a different way. A better way. We have a common goal to always share love towards each other and the kids.
Is there anything you've learned about parenting that you wish you knew before becoming one?
Tandra: I wish I knew there's no such thing as a perfect parent, perfect child, or getting it right. We learn as we go and that's it. What works for one parent/child/family may not work for the next. As parents, our kids are perfect in our eyes but I feel that mentality caused me to put more pressure on Alora than I should have. I've been much better with Vivia because I learned to do better. Oh, and how to set boundaries! That's important for everyone but moms tend to try to give from empty cups. We put everyone else ahead of ourselves and throw our own interests to the wayside. Knowing that early on would've saved me so much time, energy, and stress.
Johnny: Oh yeah! Don't waste your time researching how to be a parent. That. Is. It.
What is important for you to instill in your children based on your life experiences?
Tandra: Wow... they already possess so much goodness. They're innately caring, loving, kind, tolerant, open-minded, outgoing, courageous, intelligent, forgiving but self-respecting... the list goes on. When it comes to more practical things, I'd like to instill in them the importance of financial literacy and responsibility. I don't want them repeating my mistakes. There's so much I didn't know about money growing up. Having money isn't good enough. I want to change their mindset and thoughts about it. I want them to always operate from a place of abundance and wealth versus instant gratification or simple riches. I don't want them growing up hearing lack speech. This is a topic I could really dive into but I'll stop here. Only age and experience have taught me this!
Johnny: I want my daughters to think of themselves as goddesses. To not allow anyone to mistreat them or make them think less of themselves. I want them to have a strong sense of self-respect.
How do you want the girls to think about life as they age?
Tandra: I want them to realize that no one else decides who they are or who they can be. To trust themselves and the things that make them excited about life. As females, I want them to know that whether or not they choose to have a career, a relationship, a family, own their own business, or change their minds along the way, it's the right decision. I already trust in the brilliant women staring at me through their eyes. Even if I'm not alive to see all of their greatness, I know it's going to be one hell of a ride- as long as they don't let other people's opinions cloud their judgement.
Johnny: To not put me in a rest home!!! Seriously though.... I don't want them to be afraid of aging. I want them to be proud of the life they've lived and to embrace their accomplishments.
Have you and your partner ever had a discussion about parenting from an aging perspective? Past, present, or future? How do you think aging has affected you as a parent?
It has been a pleasure to once again join AARP's #DisruptAging mission. They are challenging each of us to destroy stereotypes, silence our negative inner stories about aging, and to open up conversation between all generations. Aging (whether or not you're a parent) is self-discovery. It's the continuation of our most fantastic journey.... LIFE.